Like many, for the last 8 years, I’ve been taking medication for depression. This medication has taken the form of SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) which is the usual starting point for people seeking help.
The medication I started with was Citalopram, first at 20mg per day and then later on to 40mg. When I felt like that didn’t work, I moved on to Sertraline, first at 50mg and then onto 100mg per day. Then I moved on to Fluoxetine at the recommended 20mg per day and then finally on to 40mg until about 2 months ago.
I never really felt like they were working but then again, I didn’t expect them to, because I never really thought that I met the criteria for a typically-depressed person, I just knew something didn’t feel right.
The thing is, I’ve got a good life. I’ve got an amazing, supportive, loving family, a great circle of friends and a great job at a fantastic company surrounded by friendly colleagues. I’ve also got no major physical health issues thankfully and a reasonable level of financial security too. On paper, the life that I’ve been given, and what I’ve sculpted it into with the tools I had was fantastic, and more importantly, I knew that it was… so what was wrong?
It often felt like nothing excited or grabbed me; there was a running joke between me, my friends and my family that I “never watch films or TV series’ so we won’t talk to you about them” because honestly it’s just not something that ever stimulated me, and I never understood why. I could never sit still or focus long enough to soak in any of the plot. I went to see “Dune” with my brother and stepdad and not even 30 minutes after the film had finished, I couldn’t tell you the plot, any of the characters or anything, because I just completely lost interest and zoned out while sat inside the cinema.
I’ve also had a hard time feeling a real connection in relationships, I’ve seen a few great people slip out of my life because I felt like there was nothing there or I just didn’t feel “the spark” as is the buzzword for dating apps. I’ve also never had any stand-out hobbies or interests to speak of either, because I felt like everything was just… boring.
I remember vividly the moment when one of my closest friends told me that he was going to ask his fiancé to marry him; it was at the Lichfield Leisure Centre during a semi-regular game of badminton that we had in the name of attempting to keep fit. I said congratulations, hugged him and shook his hand as you would expect, but the way I remember feeling no fire inside regarding the news bothered me and did for a long time. This person is one of my best friends and I’ve known him for 27 years at the time of writing this, his fiancée, now wife is lovely too, it was amazing news, and I was truly thrilled for them both. But, the way I felt like I had to almost ‘fake’ my enthusiasm kept me awake for a while. I was genuinely happy for them, so why didn’t I react like everyone else?
I did think that the issues I was suffering from fell slightly outside of the usual depression scale but ultimately, I accepted that I didn’t have a medical or psychology degree and decided to leave it to the people who did.
Throughout my school years, both in primary and secondary I was always labelled by my teachers as somebody who couldn’t concentrate, somebody who liked to mess around, didn’t listen, never did homework and somebody who was very disorganised and occasionally disruptive. I used to be accompanied by a rotating team of assistant teachers who would sit with me and keep me on task, I never knew why this was though; I was born with Hydrocephalus so I always assumed it had something to do with that.
I did manage to get through school and then a few college courses too for good measure, but I never achieved anywhere close to what I thought I would. I still have vivid memories of my Mum coming home from my parent’s evening in tears due to the constant negative feedback from my teachers. I achieved what I would describe as average grades despite a bout of (Hydrocephalus-related) raised intracranial pressure at around the same, which involved a hospital stay and being given a few compensatory marks.
Since I left university (once again with a grade that could have been better), I’ve been an IT professional. I started on a service desk resetting passwords as we all do, and about 15 years later I found myself in a third-line role at the largest life assurance, pensions and investment mutual in the UK. It’s an amazing company to work for, but the level of the role, and the size of the business had begun to expose some serious issues that I didn’t realise I had.
I was struggling to juggle tasks, struggling to learn new information (of which there is a lot at a company of this size) and even worse, retain that information. I had to ask for help a lot and be reminded of things, which led to a huge amount of imposter syndrome with thoughts of “I’m so dumb, what am I doing here?”, “How long before they sack me?”, “the others in the team must be so sick of me” and generally feeling like the group’s odd one out. All because I wasn’t retaining information and managing my tasks effectively. The people there are great and I was never made to feel like that, it’s just how I felt inside.
These sorts of symptoms had been mentioned in the past in a previous role. I got a pretty negative write-up from my then-line manager in my EOY review which revolved around exactly these issues. This led to a pretty severe period of self-doubt and low mood for me. Also, I should mention that I don’t have any resentment towards that person, they were great to work for and I’m still on very good terms with them today; they had no idea and neither did I.
Fast forward to about 9 months ago, I was reading through the SysAdmin subreddit. I like to stay on top of current issues emerging in the field as well as to potentially get a heads-up on security exploits for example, as well as just talking shop with others from around the world! One post caught my eye though titled “I’m a sysadmin, I’m 43, and I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD” mainly because it’s not the usual type of discussion you see in that forum.
At this point, even after reading the post above (which admittedly was only a very high-level overview of ADHD), I didn’t think too much of it. One of the comments this person made however said:
“Executive Function doesn’t mean you can’t focus, but more that you can’t control focus”
which resonated enough for me to check out their post history which is where I found the real eye-opener in one of the other posts they had made recently.
The post title was “I don’t have Depression. I have ADHD and that made me depressed”. I read every word and it sounded spookily like what I had been experiencing for basically my entire life.
I decided to look further into it and to get some additional, reputable information and I landed at the NHS page for ADHD which can be found here Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – Symptoms – NHS (www.nhs.uk).
A lot of what was listed closely matched not only what I’d experienced during childhood but currently too. Things like:
- “Carelessness or a lack of attention to detail”
- “Poor organisational skills”
- “Inability to focus or prioritise”
- “Continually losing or misplacing things”
- “Restlessness or a feeling of being on edge”
- “Continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones”
It honestly could have been a direct copy of any of my school reports, it was also a pretty accurate run-down of what I was experiencing at the moment. So I decided to book in with my GP and get it formally looked at.
When I saw my GP they gave me an “ASRS” form AKA the “ADHD Self-Report Scale” (which can be found here: 10852_elto_question_fhp2.PDF (add.org)) and was asked to mark on a list of symptoms indicating how each of them had featured in my life and how much of an impact it had. I filled it out and sent it back, and was contacted by my GP again shortly after saying that I had scored highly, and as a result, I was being referred to an ADHD specialist in Lincolnshire.
I had a meeting with them and they were very friendly and helpful; at the end of the process, I was diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD. They said that medication was a possibility and if I agreed, they would start the titration process. This is where I currently am today; I’m currently taking methylphenidate hydrochloride, branded as Concerta XL.
This is by no means a ‘magic’ pill. I’ve never taken steroids and I never will, but taking steroids isn’t an easy shortcut, it still needs you to eat a lot of food and spend an insane amount of time in the gym to see the enhanced results. This pill is very much the same in that it still requires you to put in the work, it just aids you in getting beyond what you are naturally capable of.
I’m still in the titration phase so I have no idea what dose or even what medicine will work best for me in the long run. Since I have started taking Concerta I have subsequently been taken off my SSRI medication with no noticeable effects at all. As of right now, I’ve seen a small uplift in my attention, my productivity and my mood as a result. I’ve had comments from my family and friends that I seem a bit more “free and relaxed” now than I have previously. I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near done but at least I’m starting to see progress.
I mentioned before that I was born with Hydrocephalus and I stumbled across a 2022 study which concluded with:
“These data indicate that the prevalence of ADHD among children with hydrocephalus (33%) is higher than among the general population” https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35623365/
I always thought my difficulties throughout school and up to the present day were because of my Hydrocephalus, and not ADHD which was potentially a result of that. This was interesting to hear, I had no idea of the relationship.
Another article I found wrote:
People with ADHD have at least one defective gene, the DRD2 gene that makes it difficult for neurons to respond to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that is involved in feelings of pleasure and the regulation of attention. Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome – PMC (nih.gov)
Which again, could potentially explain more of the things I’ve experienced along the way.
It has been a relief to get at the very least, a partial answer as to why I’ve faced the challenges I have so far including not having the tools to complete schoolwork to the best of my ability, challenges during my career so far and even the ability to hold down a relationship. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find the medication that works best for me, and then develop a lifestyle to help me feel like I’m on the same level as everyone else.
There’s generally quite a lot of resentment online from people who get diagnosed later on in life about how much ADHD has taken from them and where they might be now had it been treated earlier; I’m not one of those people though. I like to think that even though I’ve had this rumbling in the background undetected (formally anyway), I think I’ve managed to play a good round so far with the cards I’ve been dealt. There’s no anger or resentment there, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t sat back and thought “what if” a few times already.
If you’d like more information, here are some great resources:
- Inattentive ADHD: Exploring the Overlooked ADHD Type 🔎 – YouTube
- ADHD & How Anyone Can Improve Their Focus | Huberman Lab Podcast #37 (youtube.com)
- ADHD UK – Homepage – ADHD UK
- Let’s talk about ADHD – YouTube
- The Global ADHD Subreddit
- The UK-Focused ADHD Subreddit
- Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – Symptoms – NHS (www.nhs.uk)
If you made it this far, thanks a lot for reading. I appreciate this isn’t the usual content you see here and I was, and still am worried it might be a bit ‘heavy’. If however just one person stumbles across this article one day (much like I did) and that proceeds to lead them down the same path of discovery that I’ve been on, then I’ll (genuinely this time) be thrilled with that.
Once again, thanks for reading and here’s to a healthy, happy and safe Christmas for you all.
